


Tear the old me out

by thesaddestboner



Series: in the shadows [5]
Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Angst, Community: bats_and_balls, Detroit Tigers, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-17
Updated: 2011-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-18 14:50:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/562252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaddestboner/pseuds/thesaddestboner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It had been a stupid idea to go with Max on the trip to New York and Baltimore to open the season.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tear the old me out

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://bats_and_balls.livejournal.com/profile)[**bats_and_balls**](http://bats_and_balls.livejournal.com/) and [this prompt](http://community.livejournal.com/bats_and_balls/21902.html). This is obviously unresolved but I was in a time crunch. Part of [this ongoing ’verse](http://benched.livejournal.com/tag/'verse:%20girl!porcello). 
> 
> Thanks to [**inplayruns**](http://inplayruns.livejournal.com/) for listening to me complain. Fits the **genderswap -** [](http://angst_bingo.livejournal.com/profile)[**angst_bingo**](http://angst_bingo.livejournal.com/) square.
> 
> Parts of this became [Pull me out from inside](http://archiveofourown.org/works/297953).
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/thesaddestboner) and [tumblr](http://saddestboner.tumblr.com).

It had been a stupid idea to go with Max on the trip to New York and Baltimore to open the season. He realized that now. He realized that when he sat in the wives’ and girlfriends’ section and watched Verlander take the Yankee Stadium mound against CC Sabathia. He realized _that_ when he realized he’d rather be in the dugout than sandwiched between Ryan’s girlfriend Vanessa and Verlander’s fiancée Emily.

After the first game, they went to a divey bar Coke picked out to celebrate the Opening Day victory. Rick tried to beg out of it, but Emily cornered him into it and he could never say no to her. Later, when Max asked, he told him it was her crazy eyes and they’d laughed about it. Really, Rick could never shake the unsettling feeling Emily knew the truth about him, as irrational as that thought was.

Somehow, Rick ended up at the bar alone, separated from their group. He could see the top of Verlander’s spiky hair standing tall amongst nightclub patrons on the dance floor, but that was it.

One drink turned into two drinks turned into shots turned into hard liquor, and suddenly everyone in the bar sounded like the adults in the _Peanuts_ cartoons and his head felt like a balloon on a string.

Rick slammed back his final shot and staggered away from the bar, thumping into someone’s chest. “Hey, sorry,” he said, putting a hand out.

“Erica, you okay?” Ryan - of course it was Ryan, of fucking course - put a hand on his shoulder and held him at arm’s distance. “Whoa, you’re totally wasted. Where’s Max?”

Rick swayed unsteadily, wrapping his fingers in the front of Ryan’s black t-shirt. “Is this poly cotton blend?” He tugged at Ryan’s shirt.

“It’s just a t-hshirt,” he said, prying Rick’s fingers out of his shirt. “Let’s go find Max.”

“I don’t want to find Max,” Rick said, grabbing hold of Ryan’s pitching arm. 

Rick’s fingers were pale against the myriad inked designs on Ryan’s forearm. Rick dragged his fingernail down the curve of Ryan’s wristbone, along the edges of one of his tattoos, and Ryan jerked his arm away.

“Why not? He’s been looking for you,” Ryan said.

“Let him keep looking.” Rick peered over Ryan’s shoulder and spotted Max across the dance floor.

“Are you sure you’re -”

“I’m fine.” Rick shoved away from Ryan and brushed messy his hair away from his face. “I just had a little too much to drink, that’s all.”

Ryan regarded him skeptically. “Okay. Well.”

Rick looked up at him - somehow the asshole had gained five inches on him and Rick had lost his height advantage - and squinted into the flashing, multi-colored lights. “Do you think he sees in colors?”

“What?” Ryan whipped around toward Rick, confusion written all over his face.

“Max. Do you think he sees in blue and brown?” Somehow this question made sense in Rick’s head, but now that he’d said it out loud it almost sounded nonsensical. He tried not to let his uncertainty show on his face.

“I - I don’t know. I don’t think so,” Ryan said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I think he sees regular, just like the rest of us. But I wouldn’t know about that. Should probably ask him.”

“I would, but -” Rick paused.

“But?”

“Seems weird to ask him that.” Rick glanced back where he’d last seen Max, but he was gone now. “You’d think as his girlfriend, I’d already know all the most important details. His innermost secrets.” Rick laughed wryly at how melodramatic it sounded.

Ryan gave him a funny look, one eyebrow hiked in question. “Why? I’ve been with Vanessa for a few years, we’re talking marriage and I still don’t know her _innermost secrets_.”

“I don’t know. Max knows pretty much everything about me. He’s made the effort,” Rick said.

“And you haven’t done the same for him,” Ryan asked.

Rick shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. “Are you saying I don’t care as much as he does?”

“I didn’t say anything, Erica,” Ryan said, quietly.

“I do,” Rick said.

“Okay.” Ryan looked at him again, deep crease forming between his eyebrows as he worked something over. Finally, he said, “You guys’ve been together for a while. Are you just now figuring out you’re unhappy?”

“I’m not unhappy. Not with him, I guess.”

“But you’re unhappy,” Ryan concluded.

“You always knew me pretty well.” It had slipped out before Rick could even think. He clapped a hand over his mouth, as if that could have kept the words from tumbling out.

Suddenly, he wanted to be done with this conversation, done with Ryan. Done with the charade. If he stuck around any longer, he’d say or do something he would regret.

“What are you talking about, Erica?” Ryan looked suspicious now, his blue eyes sharp and keen.

“Nothing,” Rick said, looking about wildly, searching, searching for an exit, an escape hatch.

Nothing.

“Erica -” Ryan touched his arm.

Rick pulled away. “I’m sorry. I need to - I need to puke.” Rick pushed Ryan’s hand away and turned, weaving through a crowd for the bathrooms.

He didn’t stop to see if Ryan was following him. He was pretty sure he was.

Rick slipped into the restroom and ducked into the first open stall, collapsing on one of the toilets. A deceptively pretty song played over the speaker system faintly.

As he tried to mentally whip himself back into fighting shape, Rick heard the bathroom door creak open.

“Erica, you’re in the men’s room,” Ryan called out.

Rick cursed silently and pushed open the stall. Ryan was leaning back against the sink, hands shoved deep into his pockets. “Oops.”

“Are you okay?”

Rick avoided Ryan’s eyes and tugged at a zipper on his jacket. “No.”

“You wanna talk about it,” Ryan asked, pushing away from the sink and stepping closer.

Rick went still and zeroed in on the zipper, its teeth. “Not really.”

“Is it Max? You and Max?” Ryan pressed.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Rick said, glancing up. “I’m not having a very good night. I’m usually better than this. And you wouldn’t understand so you might as well drop it.”

“Better than - than what?”

“Drop it.” Rick turned and marched out of the bathroom, head held high. He heard Ryan’s footsteps behind him as he followed, and he whirled around. “Leave me alone. Go find Vanessa.”

“You’re my friend,” Ryan said, narrowing his eyes. “And there’s something you’re not saying.”

Rick stared at him, tightening his jaw. Of course his best friend from another life had to be the most stubborn son of a bitch on the planet. “Okay, well. It’s me, Rick. As in, your best friend Rick. I’ve been living as a woman the last year and a half.”

Ryan gaped at him, mouth going slack. “Wait, what?” Then he let out an hysterical laugh and Rick thought, for a moment, that he might cry. “Good one. Real funny, Erica. What is it really?”

Rick knew Ryan wouldn’t believe him. He scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair, sighing deeply. “You wouldn’t understand and I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, dropping his arms and slapping his hands against his thighs.

Ryan nodded. “Okay, fine.”

Rick looked at him and quirked the corner of his mouth up in a half-smile. “Thanks.” He leaned in and kissed Ryan quickly, impulsively on the cheek, near his mouth. He stepped back and brushed the back of his hand over his lips.

Ryan furrowed his brow in thought, leaning in toward Rick, hand sliding over his shoulder. “You’re welcome.”

“Oh, there you guys are!” Max smiled at both of them and raised a shot glass to them.

Rick stepped away from Ryan and slipped his hand over Max’s. “How drunk are you?”

Max fingered the shot glass and looked over at Rick, grinning widely. His cheeks were bright red and his eyes were watery. “Pretty drunk. I’ve been looking for you all over the place.”

Rick stole a brief glance at Ryan before reaching up and brushing idly at Max’s crooked shirt collar. “We should probably call for a ride back to the hotel or something. I’m beat.”

“Okay.” Max tipped back and downed the contents of the shot glass. “See ya, Perry.”

“ ’Bye, guys,” Ryan said.

They left together, hands locked.

-

Max curled up behind Rick in bed and pressed his nose against the back of Rick’s neck. “You awake?”

“Working on not being awake, actually,” Rick muttered into his pillow, pressing back against Max’s chest a little bit. “And your nose is cold.”

Rick felt Max’s fingers in his hair, on the back of his neck, stroking. “Caught some of your convo with Ryan,” Max mumbled.

Rick rolled onto his back, trapping Max’s arm under him briefly. “What’d you hear?”

“Heard you tell him the truth. And I saw you kiss him,” Max exhaled sleepily into his hair.

“This probably isn’t the kind of conversation we should be having half-asleep,” Rick pointed out. He stared up at the ceiling and traced some of the cracks in the plaster with his eyes.

“Probably,” Max muttered. He sat up slowly, with a groan. “It’s kind of been running around in my brain ever since, though.”

Rick looked at him. Max’s eyes were closed and his breathing was shallow, even. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Mm, it’s late. T’morrow.” Max wrapped an arm around Rick and pulled him into his chest, pressing his face in Rick’s hair.

Rick puzzled over all of this - the conversation with Ryan, the kiss, Max - before allowing his head to drop to Max’s shoulder. Maybe there would be answers in the morning.

He closed his eyes and fell asleep soon after.

**Author's Note:**

> The author of this piece intends no insult, slander, or copyright infringement, and is not profiting from this work. This story is a complete work of fiction and does not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. This is for entertainment purposes only. If you found this story while Googling your name or the names of your friends, hit the back button now.


End file.
